The 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse

Since my own separation and divorce, I have always been amazed when people who have suffered a marital breakdown have not been able to see themselves as part of the problem. It almost always takes two people to fail in a marriage, although one may initiate separation or divorce and the other may be surprised. I think it would be a rare case if only one party was guilty of destroying a marriage, although in aberrant abuse situations, it is usually one person who destroys the marriage. Many more marriages fail through neglect or “silent” emotional abuse.

And when we consider this important emotional realm in marriage, it helps us identify and attend to the Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse.

There are four clearly destructive forces involved in marriage: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and the wall. These four factors, identified by John Gottman, are the watchdog points for our marriages and our relationships in general.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN AND THEIR ANTIDOTES

The first horseman of the relationship apocalypse is criticism. There is a severe tone of personal attack manifest in the criticism. It would be better to complain using the formula “when you / I feel / would rather that … from now on”. At least by complaining we separate our partner from the source of the problem. We must discuss the problem and not personalize it by attacking the person the 3 word formula.

The second rider is the defensive attitude, which is a couple or both who refuse to take personal responsibility for the problems in their marriage. It would be better for both partners to accept responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions. When both partners are mature enough to own their thoughts, feelings, words, and actions, much more marital satisfaction is experienced.

The third horseman is contempt, and there is hardly a more vociferous and despicable barb against the relationship. We see contempt through name calling, hostile humor, and name calling. Contempt is countered by a culture within the marriage of appreciation. It is a strange irony that those who are most devoted to contempt are transferring their inner feelings of self-loathing to their partners. When we appreciate ourselves, we appreciate others more.

The fourth horseman is a stone wall. Nothing would be more stifling for a marriage than the deliberate blocking of progress within the conflict. Would something infuriate the other partner so much? This type of passive aggressiveness should be called for what it is. Obstacle perpetrators need to be aware of what they do, when they do it, and most importantly why they do it.


Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and tapping are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Relationship. It would be better to complain than criticize, accept personal responsibility than defend ourselves, appreciate the good and not insult our partners and commit to addressing our partners’ frustrations rather than actively frustrating them.

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